"Love easily confuses us because it is always in flux between illusion and substance, between memory and wish, between contentment and need."
I am full of contradictions, maybe that's the problem here. I know what I need, but I'm not sure how to find it. I've tried: on-line dating, off line dating, looking for it, not looking for it, being fixed up by friends, visualization---you name it, I've dabbled in it.
Men are fabulous creatures. I mean, honestly---what girl doesn't love to be adored, cherished, protected, persued, loved, fondled, kissed...? Here's where my problem lies. I like---no scratch that---I need an alpha man. Not in that whole "chest-banging-monster-truck-driving-dick-to-everyone-in-your-path" kind of way, either. I need a man who does what he says, pays attention, makes decisions, takes charge---for crying out LOUD do NOT ask me out and then leave the plan up to me. Be advised, the LAST guy who did that ended up seeing Puppetry of the Penis. Face it, I'm a strong woman and being my main squeeze ain't no cakewalk (or so I've been told) and I need someone who can stand up to me, not fight me all the time, but don't let me steamroll you, baby.
I've been accused of being too independent---what's wrong with being independent?? I like my space, my alone time and doing stuff I like to do. I am not saying that I'd much rather make breakfast for 2 rather that one or waking up in an unfamiliar city with "mah man" about to take on some new adventure. I just don't want to have to do all the work, and it feels like every potential suitor I've had lately is lazy or unimaginative or ... I just don't know. Gah!! It's frustrating. I don't want an e-relationship and I don't know if I'm asking for too much in today's society where everything is done on-line, on a smart phone, not in person. I like to be able to touch you while we're talking, hear the inflection in your voice, see the twinkle in your eye...
There is someone who have my eye on, and I don't have the slightest clue to go about expressing that to him and still be able to maintain my "girl position." He seems to be the kindof guy I'd be interested in: smart, funny, alpha, introspective...I know it sounds stupid, but I feel like if I say "Hey, I think I'm diggin' your scene, can we have coffee and see if you're diggin' mine" I lose my "girl-ness" and then I'm in the exact position I'm trying to avoid. It's enough to make a girl re-think convent life.

On the mend with Frankenfoot

June 23rd I had bunion surgery on my right foot. Now I don't reccommend this surgery to anyone who doesn't desperately, truly need it. My GAWD...the most painful thing I've ever had to endure. The first 30 days is just crap---no weightbearing at ALL. So I spent the first 5 weeks in hell---I mean in a wheelchair. I have learned a lot from that experience; people are rude, inconsiderate, blind...it made me sad and angry. It also make me hope that I have never behaved in this manner towards someone who is disabled. People would actually walk past me as I'm trying to get in a door without so much as an "excuse me." Sigh...

I've been off work obviously which makes me sad and bored. I adore my job and I wish going back soon was a possibility, but nope. Nuh-uh. NO WAY. I still can only bear a little weight on my heel, not walk on my full foot. (The hardware has to come out on 8/25--the day after my birthday. So...another surgery looms.) I have been sewing things for my niece like crazy , reading books, blogs, cook books, studying for the TEAS exam, watching too much TV, catching up on movies... I'm making plans to open an Etsy shop---all this down time has given me time to get crafty.

I'm also looking at a new direction for this blog---stay tuned, folks. There are lots of changes about to happen!

14 KIDS?!?!?!?!? Are you KIDDING me??

Ok...I've been holding off on this one for a bit. I just can't take it anymore, I really can't. It's all over the news, so I'm sure you get that I'm talking about the crazy baby factory here in So Cal. A woman who already had SIX children, apparently fathered by her boyfriend who has no interest in getting married (and probably less interest in being somebody's pops) decided to have 8 more eggs implanted into her girlie parts. She says the best she was hoping for was twins on this IVF go-round. So when the doc told her he saw SEVEN babies, why did they not opt for reduction? A co-worker said quite possible it was against her religion. OMG---start throwing God into the equation and my question is "So why didn't she think maybe God didn't want her to HAVE babies if she couldn't conceive naturally?" I think my question is legitimate. My co-worker? Not so much.

But really, who is going to take care of ALL OF THESE KIDS??? This woman has NO job (but an amazing nose job and lip argumentation going on there), lives at home (ok, lived..the folks split) with her PARENTS and now has 14 mouths to feed. Aren't you excited that as a tax payer, we are ng to be footing the bill for her bullshit narcissistic behavior? Talk to me about quality of life, people? How does she intend to diaper these children, let alone pay for all the things that go along with growing up---girl scouts, football, cheerleading...clothes, shoes and food??? Have you listened to any of these interviews? She is out of her gourd---really, all she wants is unconditional love. So she gives birth to her own squad of children who she thinks she will never judge, never resent and who will love her unconditioanlly. I don't know about you, but I was a teenager once and having unconditional love for my parents was not high on my list. I drove my parents to the edge more than once. And trust me, I was judged and resented for it. It's to be expected. This woman is more than, as her mother puts it, "misguided", she is severely delusional. She is human and a human, we have flaws and resentments and anger and regrets. I'm just afraid that she is going to snap.

Ugh...you need a license to drive a fucking car, but any nitwit with 10K a pop can squeeze out 14 IVF babies...

The look of love...

Two fo the greatest loves of my life (3 if you count the fact we're in a Mexican restaurant).

Stuff I think you should know....


1. While 40 may be the new 30, Tuesday is NOT the new Monday. Please see 6.
2. You are as happy as you set your mind to be. If you're miserable, it's my guess that's all your fault.
3. In this day & age even with all this great technology, do not believe for one second that a text message on my cell phone replaces a phone call.
4. Words don't mean anything, it's your actions that count. You can tell me you're sorry a thousand times over and still it means nothing. (If your mouth writes a check, your ass had better be able to cash it.)
5. Just about everyone I know needs to get a little gratitude and stop whining. People waste too much time worrying about what they haven't got, they fail to realize that none of it defines who they are. Things are simply that—things. Things come & go. Take a step back and see how far better off you are than some people around you.
6. You should say what you mean and mean what you say. I have yet to figure out what's so hard about it.
7. Everything you do comes back to you tenfold (think about that next time the urge comes over you to fuck someone over) -- good or bad.
8. People in LA need to get a grip on the whole driving in the rain thing. Sweet Jesus…it should NEVER take me 2 ½ hours to get to LA.
9. If something is important enough, you find a way to make it happen. And if it isn't important, let it go. Don't hang on because it just might become important down the road---when nothing else pans out.
10. You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away & know when to run...
11. If sex is all your relationship is about---someone needs to be getting paid.
12. Drama does not belong in your life. This is why we pay money for theatre tickets.
13. "Hey, let's hang out" is NOT a euphemism for "Let's get butt naked and fuck." At least not in English, anyway.

"Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired." Robert Frost



I want it.
But I really don't.
Okay, so that's a lie. Who doesn't want that "thing"? That elusive thing that everyone else seems to have on the days you are sorely lacking in that department?? Those times when all you want (and know you so rightly deserve) to have someone who "gets it." Someone who knows that all it really takes to get you to smile is a cup of really good coffee and the Sunday paper in bed? The person who gets that what you really need right now is a kiss on the temple and nothing more. Ask me about my day..."Hi How are YOU?" While I adore the one I'm with and it's part of who I am to make you feel important and cared for and --well--adored...it is not an invitation to ignore common courtesy. Nor is it an invitation to act like you can walk all over me. You will find that doesn't work. In fact, what you may find is a bloody stump where your foot used to be.
But frankly, who needs the headache? I find it difficult to lie, so how about I just stop answering questions? If you think my answers may make parts of you pucker....DO NOT ASK ME ANYTHING. I refuse to tell you anything else...give up anything more. I get nothing in return. I'm done talking, I'm done dancing, I'm done. It's my turn to be selfish. Let me try THAT dress on for awhile. See how it fits.
What's the point of playing conversation if every time I open my mouth to speak, I have to preface all things with a disclaimer? Where's the fun in that?

Honor and Privilege

As usual, I've been busy beyond busy. Not for any particular reason...I mean it's work for sure. I'm tired and tomorrow is my first day off in what seems like forever.

Gawd, I love my job. I can't believe that I have finally found my "calling" (please excuse the hokey-ness, but it's true) and that I love it so much. Even when I am sad about a paient's final outcome or frustrated over a stupid parking ticket or irritated with a doctor I've just gotten into a fight with. I love what I do...so working crazy amounts is not a bad thing.

Today, I held a man's hand while he could only communicate by looking into my eys and squeezing my hand. I knew he was terrified, but when I told him "I've got you. You're okay" he squeezed my hand and tried to smile---I hope I'm right...I hope he gets to go home and play with his grandkids. I put my hand on his chest, closed my eyes and let the rhythm of my breath match his until he was calm again. Sometimes my job is nothing more than holding your hand or hugging your family or turning the music on by your bed even if you're "unresponsive." My job is about compassion as much as it is about medicine. It's about love as much as it is about science. It's about death as much as it about life.

So, when I work a lot, I tend to come home and decompress for a day. It's not that I don't adore my friends---you all know that I love you more than roasted banana gelato---I just need the time to let go. I was at a seminar recently where a man said to me "If you're this affected by what you do, maybe you're in the wrong profession." I was stunned. I think that if you're AREN'T affected you might wanna re-evaluate your career choice. I will not cease to shed tears when someone's life ends on my watch, I refuse to not hold your hand, hug your family, acknowledge and honor my patients....even in the hustle and bustle of my day, I constantly stop and give thanks for the privilege of taking care of you.

Thank you Lama Jigme ...
*************************Love minus Respect *******************

Here is a simple equation :"Love minus Respect equals Abuse"

Love is a word who's meaning is often forgotten. It is always a mistake to confuse love with: affection, sentimentality, lust, possessiveness or familiarity.
Remember, love and compassion are two sides of the same coin. While love desires to lavish it's object with every blessing, compassion longs to take-away it's object's sufferings and their causes.
If another feels sentimental or affectionate towards us, but is not terribly concerned with our happiness and well-being; although that may be many things, it is not love.Could you imagine what it could be like to have a friend or relative who simply did not treat you with respect?

What could it be like to have a companion, maybe even a lover, who was cruel, pushy or demeaning? That individual may be familiar, possessive or even lust after us but that is not love.

Love is a choice, love is a decision, and love is a habit. You can't make someone love you, no matter how much you love them.

And kids, "leading by example" will only take you so far.

Let's talk about manifesting… you know when you say to the universe, "Hey, this is what I desire!" Few people know, that once we've made our desire known, the cosmos often whispers back, "O.K., now tell me what you'll settle for." My friend, there is only ONE correct answer to that question: "I'll settle for exactly what I desire, and nothing less!"

Yes, it can take nerves of steel to stare down our own: fear, insecurities, low self esteem, and even the universe's metaphysical desire to conserve energy. But friends, let me tell you, once we develop the habit of politely yet firmly saying "NO thank you" to anything that is not in our best interest, things will change.

Whether we see, feel, or understand it or not, someone, something, everyone and everything is always watching what we'll settle for. When we make it abundantly clear what we won't settle for, we'll notice a change in that which we habitually manifest.In conclusion: do your friends, lovers and companions respect: you, your wishes, needs and feelings? If not, gently but firmly express your dissatisfaction. But what should you do if that is to no avail? Then find new, friends, lovers and companions. You have nothing to lose, but your suffering!

Om Mani Padme Hum,Lama Jigme Gyatso Tibetan-Buddhist: Monk, Teacher, Healer and Tantrika

Wow. It's almost June. School ends next week. I graduate on the 4th. I'm pretty excited about it, I am more than ready to start on this new chapter of my life. The last few years have taken their toll in all sorts of areas of my life. Financially, physically and emotionally. I took 2 years to be selfish and do what needed to be done and maybe it wasn't the best idea when it came to my relationships. For that I am sorry...and to my long-suffering friends who stuck it out because they knew it wouldn't be forever---thank you from the bottom of my heart. I could have never ever EVER made it without your lack of judgement, not asking why we couldn't spend more time together, not hating me because I needed to study and sleep on a Saturday night rather than go out. I appreciate you letting me become what I have set out to be. Things will change now and we can go back to movies and art shows and restaurants and being loving friends. I can't wait.

A lot of this post has to do with a conversation I just had with a man I've known 10 years, we haven't communicated in at lesat 3. What I am about to say, I will say to him on the phone later....so I'm not being a chickenshit here. He shut me out of his life a few years ago for reasons I could have never known. I'll admit it, I was bummed about it---we'd been weaving in and out of each other's lives for awhile and I thought we were both in good places and could maybe strike our friendship back up. He is charming and funny and smart and sweet and wonderful---always has been. He was leaving for India the next day and we made plans to spend more time together when he came back. It never happened. He stopped returning calls, wouldn't email and eventually disappeared to the East Coast. My feelings were hurt for certain. I couldn't imagine what I had done in a few short hours in that living room that would make him stop speaking to me. I let it go. HE had his reasons, his life had become nothing but work (or so I thought) and I was determined to find a softer wall to beat my head against.

Maybe 18 months ago, he sent me an email via MySpace apologizing for this. I ignored him because I was tired of people thinking it's okay to walk in & out of my life like that. The male faction of my friends to be frank. I was tired of being the "water under the bridge girl." I don't really know why, I've always been that way. I don't hold grudges (well...one or two maybe) and I'm awfully forgiving. This letter just came at one of the lowest times in the last 5 years. I had just ended what I thought would be my last realtionship, school was kicking into gear, I had lost a lot of friends with the break-up and was about as miserable as I have ever been. I'm not a miserable girl---so go figure.

After our brief exhange tonight, I went to his website and read some things about the path his life had taken in recent years and it made me cry. It also made me realise that his last email to me was a request for help and I was too wrapped up in my own self-indulgent newly-single-girl misery to pay one iota of attention or even thank him for his apology. Funny...now I'm the one who feels like an ass.

I haven't posted since I put out the call for help in March. School is taking it's toll along with everything else. Gaff died April 17th. I got a postcard from his wife a few weeks ago. Nothing sums up the depth of Chris Gaffney like the letter below. May every single one of us be blessed to have a friendship like this...


A note from Dave Alvin
Chris Gaffney 1950 - 2008
My other big brother, Chris Gaffney passed away Thursday morning, April 17, 2008.I really don't know what to say right now but I feel that I have to say something. First of all, I want to again thank everyone that sent messages to Chris and donated funds to his cause. It means more than you'll know to Chris, his family and me.
We are still raising money at www.helpgaff.com to help with the existing medical bills and other various expenses including a forthcoming memorial service.
After twenty-some years I have thousands of memories of Chris. Through those years of songs, laughs, countless barrooms, eternal highways, broken hearts, screw-ups, bail outs, close calls, busted strings, elusive dreams, flat tires, stalled engines, hard hangovers, bad gigs, great gigs, in between gigs, tragedies, triumphs, secret jokes, bad TV, worse food and now, tears, Gaffney always had my back. I never had to worry about nothing or nobody if Gaffney was with me. I don't know what I ever did to deserve it but, God, I was blessed to have Chris Gaffney as my best friend.
Chris's and my friend, B.J. in Omaha, said it best for me in a email yesterday. She said that I now have a "wild angel looking out for me." Yeah, I do believe that's true.I'll still see you in Cuervo, brother.Dave